I cried last night for the first time in a while. I had been feeling outside of myself all day which may be a result of the night before. However, I began to feel downtrodden at night and I didn't really have a reason. I guess now I can blame it on impersonalization or possibly feeling out of touch. Paddy came to talk to me, he thought that I was down and being the wonderful human being that he is, he talked to me. I realized at that point that no matter the shit that is going down, I'm happy and that scares me. It scares me because it's new. It's a different feeling than what I was used to living with. Paddy said I had found myself. I don't think that's true. I found the beauty in life that so many people talk about. Funny thing is, I felt sad again today. But then I listened to random clips of music I love and a lot of Ben Harper, and I'm O.K. By no means am I going to be happy-go-lucky the rest of my life, but I have come to the conclusion that things are just things and they work in their own way, just like we do as individuals. There is so much that causes me to stop and smile. Knowing my brother's extreme intelligence and how excited he becomes when talking about a novel he's reading. Getting chills when something sounds so amazing it strikes me deep inside. Basketball and thermo dynamics. Fuck, it's all great. Even when doctors won't tell you what's wrong, or friends become lost. And I realize that I've just become completely corny, but I think I am most corny to people who are sad. O.K. maybe sad was the wrong word. People who are farther from my state of mind, as opposed to people who are closer to my state of mind.
I do still cringe at the fact I live in a landlocked town named Normal. Something's gotta change.